Despite a disappointing title your concept is interesting . However it is obvious you have not read this back – ‘The empty aisle of the church is very quiet with no one there. Suddenly, a blast of wind blew in as I opened the door.’ This makes little sense -you could have tried -‘ The sound of silence filled the empty aisle of the church. Suddenly, a blast of wind flung open the heavy, ancient doors.’
Make sure you read back over your work. Some of the sentences don’t make sense. There needs to be more full stops, there are only commas. Other than that I like the suspense and the description of the church. Well done Freddie
Make sure you read back over your work. Some of the sentences don’t make sense. There needs to be more full stops, there are only commas. Other than that I like the suspense and the description of the church.
Great work Freddie but I do think you should read it over, edit it, put in punctuation and to make sure it makes proper sense.
Also remember to put in short sentences like :
I froze.
Sweat froze on my forehead.
Then I felt nothing.
Well Done for creating a suspenseful piece of work. It would do well to scare others.
In my opinion this piece of text is great especially when you describe your setting.You also could try not using too much I’s or it will ruin your work
That was very spooky and you used metaphors and similes. There is 2 things you did not use which is ellipsis which are these 3 dots … Also you did not use short sentences for ex ample you could of used I was shocked.
Good try
Well done Freddie, you have used lots of similes and metaphors, just need to check some of your spellings ,if I was to introduce a word it would be personification, Personification is were your bringing something to life e.g: as I strolled down the lonely street I saw the leaves dancing . It was also a very spooky outgoing.
Despite a disappointing title your concept is interesting . However it is obvious you have not read this back – ‘The empty aisle of the church is very quiet with no one there. Suddenly, a blast of wind blew in as I opened the door.’ This makes little sense -you could have tried -‘ The sound of silence filled the empty aisle of the church. Suddenly, a blast of wind flung open the heavy, ancient doors.’
Make sure you read back over your work. Some of the sentences don’t make sense. There needs to be more full stops, there are only commas. Other than that I like the suspense and the description of the church. Well done Freddie
Make sure you read back over your work. Some of the sentences don’t make sense. There needs to be more full stops, there are only commas. Other than that I like the suspense and the description of the church.
Good suspense Freddie, but remember to check your work. Too many I’s will spoil it.
Great work Freddie but I do think you should read it over, edit it, put in punctuation and to make sure it makes proper sense.
Also remember to put in short sentences like :
I froze.
Sweat froze on my forehead.
Then I felt nothing.
Well Done for creating a suspenseful piece of work. It would do well to scare others.
Finn and Vincent
In my opinion this piece of text is great especially when you describe your setting.You also could try not using too much I’s or it will ruin your work
Great punctuation good suspense it was quit scary too.
That was very spooky and you used metaphors and similes. There is 2 things you did not use which is ellipsis which are these 3 dots … Also you did not use short sentences for ex ample you could of used I was shocked.
Good try
Very spooky, If you did only use1 ellipsis it was be more suspense but good try. Some of the bits don’t make sense. Read over it next time .
Well done Freddie, you have used lots of similes and metaphors, just need to check some of your spellings ,if I was to introduce a word it would be personification, Personification is were your bringing something to life e.g: as I strolled down the lonely street I saw the leaves dancing . It was also a very spooky outgoing.
Thank you all for the reply’s on my blog because i have never had this much comments.
FREDDIE
XXX