Amazing work Jack! Too many short sentences. You could have put in a metaphor for instance: My heart growled for more blood. Instead of saying my heart was pumping like a base drum. My favourite part was when you said it was silent like nature. It was a good simile though.
Great job Jack try and use ellipses to create a suspense feeling.
Also describe the setting and use metaphors and similes such
as E.G. It was dark as rich black paint
Skye & Regan
Amazing work Jack. I love the phrase,
‘ The church was silent’ and ‘ My heart was pumping like a base drum on the stone floor.’ .
But instead of pumping why not thumping or pounding?
One more thing, I don’t think ‘the metal handle turned 90 degrees’ goes with the paragraph at all.
Great piece of work Jack,
We really liked the parts:
‘my heart was pumping like a base drum against the frozen stone floor.’
‘Beside me was the shattering sound of the metal handle rotating 90 degrees, the door was creeking open.'(Check the spelling of creeking. It’s creaking)
Great use of ellipsis however try and use some metaphors like:
The darkness swallowed me.
The silence deafened me.
Thank you for all the comments. I’m surprised mostly about how the comments were, They were really good. anyway must dash I’ve got to comment some other peoples blogs
Well done jack, some fantastic ideas, with a great simile. Would you trudge if you were desperate?
Great similes, very detailed .Amazing imagination .Try to put short sentences to create a atmosphere. Good job
Great simile and description Jack, but remember to use a suitable simile for silence. Nature doesn’t really fit.
Jack I liked your suspense amazing adjectives. this is a poem.
I am speechless. This writing is so good that I have no bad comments. I like the way you put a simile at the start.
Amazing work Jack! Too many short sentences. You could have put in a metaphor for instance: My heart growled for more blood. Instead of saying my heart was pumping like a base drum. My favourite part was when you said it was silent like nature. It was a good simile though.
Great work Jack I really enjoyed it. I liked the way you said there was no escape also I really liked your simile.From Ronnie
Great suspense I liked what you I liked when you said across the ice floor.
Great job Jack try and use ellipses to create a suspense feeling.
Also describe the setting and use metaphors and similes such
as E.G. It was dark as rich black paint
Skye & Regan
Its good but next try and make it a bit more scary. from Abudi
Amazing work Jack. I love the phrase,
‘ The church was silent’ and ‘ My heart was pumping like a base drum on the stone floor.’ .
But instead of pumping why not thumping or pounding?
One more thing, I don’t think ‘the metal handle turned 90 degrees’ goes with the paragraph at all.
Great piece of work Jack,
We really liked the parts:
‘my heart was pumping like a base drum against the frozen stone floor.’
‘Beside me was the shattering sound of the metal handle rotating 90 degrees, the door was creeking open.'(Check the spelling of creeking. It’s creaking)
Great use of ellipsis however try and use some metaphors like:
The darkness swallowed me.
The silence deafened me.
Finn and Vincent
You got a really good simile
Thank you for all the comments. I’m surprised mostly about how the comments were, They were really good. anyway must dash I’ve got to comment some other peoples blogs
Jack xxxx